Insecurities of All Sorts

About to let my insecurities shine here just an itty bit.

I am so excited, yet a little nervous, about becoming more involved in leadership at my church. It is a wonderful, vibrant congregation. It is one of the best churches I've ever been involved in. Perhaps it is because of how wonderful it is that I worry sometimes that I will mess things up and participate in the decline of its wonderfulness. Yes, that is much more about my insecurities than my abilities.

Be that as it may, I have volunteered to head up the Adult Education team at church this year. I have some ideas and hope that I can work with others to revitalize this area of our church, one of the few areas that I truly see lacking in our church.

The other thing I did was went out on a limb when our pastor asked for a substitute to fill in for her at an LGBTQA community meeting this weekend. I volunteered to attend in her place, and as always made my offer conditional on if nobody else wanted to do it. Oh that Jan, always being so careful not to step on toes! Anyway, nobody else stepped up so I get to do it. I am so excited about it. I really am. I guess I'm looking forward to this weekend's meeting as it will bring me new contacts within a community from whom I feel somewhat distant yet somewhat close.

Um, that last sentence up there may need some clarification. You see, there aren't a lot of people who realize I'm bisexual. It's not something I wear on my sleeve, although it's also not something that I hide. If it comes up in conversation in a relevant way it comes up. If it doesn't, it doesn't. Therefore, many people have no idea of my orientation. Truth be told I wish it didn't matter what my orientation is, but to some people it does. For some, it is the kind of thing that changes their attitude once they find out. For some, they feel betrayed when they find out (though I'm not exactly sure the proper way for me to introduce myself to people to avoid this; I'm pretty sure "Hi I'm Jan and I'm bisexual" upon first meeting is sharing a bit too much). Anyway, I'm not closeted, but I'm not obviously out either. I'm an anomoly. Fortunately there's a little core group of us bisexual women in Central IL who have found each other and formed a kind of support group for one another where we share our feelings and experiences and understand each other.